mommy guilt | Domestic Deeds

I was sitting in an all-day meeting when I saw that Jason was calling my cellphone for the third time. I started to get antsy. Was something wrong at home? Did the boys get in trouble? Did I forget something at home? Finally, I snuck my cell phone under the table to text Jason, “What’s up??? I’m in a meeting.”

“Your daughter just took 5 crawling steps!”

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaa! I silently beamed with pride that my daughter had gone to the next step of her babyhood: mobility. My second thought: Oh crap. The house isn’t baby proofed. And then the third thought: We need to go buy baby gates!

What surprised me is the thought that never even went through my mind: “Oh no… I missed it.”

When I first went back to work, I had adamantly told Jason that I didn’t want him to ever tell me when Keira says her first word, walks, crawls, does something cute… I didn’t want to feel the mommy guilt of missing out on those major milestones. My theory was, if no one tells me it happened, it didn’t happen. And instead I would be content to experience these little milestones when I was home with her.

Somehow, that idea went out the window. I’m constantly getting messages and pictures during the day to find what new “tricks” Keira has learned. Crawling. Saying “Nana”. Eating fresh bananas. Learning that Keira has “helped” with laundry by pulling them off hangers and trying to eat her pajamas. Instead of the mommy guilt I thought I’d feel, it’s those little texts that get me through a rough day. It’s those cute moments that remind me of the precious moments I have waiting for me when I walk through the door.

Okay. So I missed out on the first crawl. But that’s okay. She hasn’t stopped crawling since and I’m not missing a moment while I’m with her!

This is the post where I admit it: I’m a hypocrite.

You see, before baby Keira was born, I researched cosleeping. I read the articles and the research and what I determined was…. I’m against it. I realize it works for a lot of people and many sing the praise of cosleeping. But I couldn’t wrap my head around trusting myself with a tiny baby in our bed. With all the pillows, my husband flopping around in his sleep and our heavy comforters, I just didn’t find it safe.

Flash forward to the night after Keira was born. I was sore from the c-section and couldn’t move from my bed and was highly relying on skin-to-skin time to encourage breastfeeding. I remember waking up to the nurse coming in the door around midnight to check on us and little Keira was fast asleep in my arms in the hospital. I panicked! I chided myself for being so careless to fall asleep with Keira in my arms. What if she fell? What if I moved and I dropped her? I asked the nurse to promptly re-bundle Keira up in her clothes, swaddle her and put her back in the hospital bassinet.

From that point on, I was done with cosleeping. I was so scared that something could go horribly wrong and I would lose the little girl we’ve been dreaming of for years. My compromise was keeping her in the cradle next to our bed for the first four months until finally moving Keira to her own crib.

Fast forward even further to our trip to D.C. last week. The entire family was staying in one room with Keira in our pack n play. In the middle of the night, Keira woke up crying. I immediately picked her up and rocked her back to sleep, fearing that she would wake the boys up. But every time I tried to pull her away from my chest, she would cry instantly. I gave up and laid down with her in the hotel bed. I reasoned with myself that if I stuck a pillow between Jason and her, he wouldn’t roll over her. And at 6 months, Keira was strong enough to move or cry out if a blanket got in her way. We both slept great from that point on. And woke up feeling happy and refreshed.

The 3-day weekend came and every night Keira would wake up around midnight, crying. I reasoned with myself that she missed me and needed to sleep near Mommy. Then we both got sick and I justified that she didn’t feel good and of course needed Mommy Magic to sleep.

Then came my work day. My alarm went off at 5:30am, bright and early! I quickly turned off the alarm before it woke Keira. But she had already opened her eyes. She looked at me, grabbed my pajama shirt, pulled me close and then fell asleep. We both fell asleep. Until 7:00am when the boys knocked on the door. Crap, crap, crap!!! I’m late for work! I scrambled out of bed, handing Keira over to Jason and running into the shower.

The next morning, my alarm went off again at 5:30am. Somehow, it didn’t wake Keira. I gently pulled her out of bed and put her back in her room, as Jason was already heading off to work and wouldn’t be able to watch her as I showered. As soon as I got out of the shower, Keira was wide awake and ready to start the day. An hour earlier than her usual time. Ugh.

Now I wrestle with how to handle this cosleeping arrangement. Do we break it cold turkey, knowing that she just can’t sleep in our bed due to our morning routines? Can we balance the nights where there’s cosleeping and other nights in the crib? How do I calm the shouting Mommy Guilt that I’m not convinced that cosleeping is 100% safe? Or calm the Mommy Guilt of putting my baby in her relatively cold crib compared to Mommy and Daddy’s warm bed?

But every evening before bed I hear Jason say, “tonight, Keira sleeps in her own bed!” And then every night he retracts, “should we just let her sleep here one more night….?”