Finally Healing

I sat on the couch, casually folding clothes as Keira played on the floor. Keira circled her static jumperoo, a toy she has not played with in months. I called over to Jason in the kitchen, “you know, I think we should have bought the jumper that hangs in the door jam instead. I think it would have lasted longer and she’d still be interested in it.”

“I think you’re right. We’ll know better for the next one,” he teased with a wink.

I glared at him as he chuckled and I continued folding the clothes. Then I stopped and thought about it… that was the first time since Keira was born that the thought of having another baby didn’t cause my heart to jump and my pulse to race as I flashed back to Keira’s birth.

For months, my thoughts on having a baby were limited “only if we’re adopting!” The memories were still fresh in my mind of the last couple weeks of pregnancy with the painful false labor. Reviewing the “failure” of a natural birth and the subsequent difficult recovery from the caesarian left the wounds too open to even consider the thought of going through it again. With every next step Keira took in her development, my mind was set that THIS would be the last time I experienced this milestone. Keira was the end of the line.

Eleven months later, my body is (very) slowly returning to my pre-pregnancy stage. The wounds, both mentally and physically, are healing. And as I again start to feel the ownership of my body returning to me, the thought of having another baby is no longer unbearable.

Instead, I’m finding myself at a new cross road where there’s determination behind the question of whether to have another baby. If (and that’s a big if) we ever have a baby, I want to prove to myself that I can indeed have the ideal birth. I’m strong enough to make it through natural childbirth. I wouldn’t put my head in the sand without looking into all the elements that would contribute to a healthy birth. A midwife that would monitor the position of the baby. A doula to coach me through progressing labor. Maybe even hypnotic therapy.

Jason and I may not be at that point to decide whether there’s a #4 in our future. But I’m glad I can finally say that I no longer have the cloud of labor fear impairing my judgment.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. The Momma
    Apr 15, 2011 @ 14:22:40

    I’m glad you are moving to a place of healing. I had a c-section (that I really didn’t want), and I spent a while beating myself up about it. I’m finally at a point where I’m ok with the outcome, but it was hard to get there.


  2. Donita
    Apr 15, 2011 @ 16:05:17

    Very open and honest post cousin. I love you.


  3. Sara
    Apr 15, 2011 @ 22:29:54



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