The Day I Knew I Loved You.

The Day I Knew I Loved You.

Rain gave off a soft, salty scent of unwashed bricks in the streets of Benrath, Germany. I was walking to the train station from my exchange family’s home with some of the tight-jean wearing Germany students. It was June of 1997 and it seemed to rain nearly every afternoon as the humid weather brought the daily thunderstorms. We were headed to old town Dusseldorf to go out for the night. I had spoken with you only minutes ago on the phone and we had agreed to meet on the train into town. I smiled to the ground as I realized how fond I was growing at having you around. Your smiles and laughs were infectious and I didn’t want a cure. I only had 2 and half weeks left before I would be heading off to college would likely hardly, if ever, see you again.

As I walked up to the train station, I turned  and heard the other students calling to me as they were walking up to their right. I looked at them, confused as to where they were heading. “We take the trolley to this place, it’s easier to get to,” one of the students said. I tried to explain that I had told you to meet us at the S-bahn station near your host family’s home. Reluctantly, I let them convince me that you would know where we were going and would meet up with us there.

My heart dropped. The city whizzed by, station to station, laughing German students ready for a good night out and I couldn’t get the image of you standing on the train platform, waiting for the man that would never come. I felt a sense of loss and disappointment in myself that I had never sensed before. I had let you down and I never wanted to do it again. When we got to the pub, I walked through the door into all the smiling, laughing and drinking faces, yours was not among them. I sat with the others and waited, hoping maybe you were running late.

I found myself some time later standing outside of the loud dark room. The lamplight in the streets casting dancing shadows down my path. The rain had to turned to a soft mist and heat from the day was causing the water to evaporate from the bricks, swirling a mist into the air. The water seemed to hang between falling and raising, and my heart mimicked the movements.

I walked the extra distance to the S-bahn station so I could take it home just in case I would find you along the way. As the train slowed down to stop at your platform I watched, hoping you might still be there, but also hoping you wouldn’t have waited out in the rain for me this long. I was greeted only by the platform, trash cans and flashing of the over head florescent lighting.

When I finally got up to my room at my host family’s home, I laid my head down but couldn’t get the image of you waiting in the rain for the man that would never come. I laid there in the dark that night, unable to sleep, trying to understand everything I was feeling. It was then that I realized I loved you, I always would and never wanted to disappoint or be without you again.


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