“Tween or Vampire”

Recently the boys have hit some strange changes. As a writer of Ghost stories, I started to wonder…”Are my boys becoming Vampires?!” Only in my mind would this seem rational. However, I was able to rationalize their changes as becoming  “tweens.” These are five warning signs your child might be becoming a Tween or Vampire and how to tell the difference.

1. Aversion to sunlight or Staying up to late – They no longer get up at the crack of dawn. You might even have to wake them so they are not late for school. They now want to stay up later and later. Don’t worry that they might be becoming a vampire, unless they start to sparkle in the sunlight, because apparently that’s what real vampires do. Sorry, I miss the old school vampires that had a little more bite and a little less pretty.

2. Rigor mortis  or The Eye Roll – The eye roll is no longer contained to the eyes. It seems now that the entire head rolls with the eyes like there is some connection that causes the eyes to no longer function independently.  Unless the whites of their eyes have become all black, I wouldn’t worry about this. I think this is done more for dramatic flare to demonstrate their dissatisfaction at some of our adult decisions.

3. They can’t see themselves in a mirror or New Wardrobe and strange uses of clothes – Their desire to define themselves is lost on you! “Have you even looked in the mirror?”, “What are you wearing!”, “Why did you cut holes in socks and put them on your arms”, “Really? You really want me to go out with you looking like that?” – These are all things I have caught myself saying. I don’t mind the new clothes and random styles. Sometimes I just have to remind myself what I was wearing near their age. On the other hand, if you are walking up behind them while they brush their teeth and you literally can’t see them in the mirror, make sure they are brushing behind the fangs. If they can’t see them, they are liable to miss them.

4. Pale Skin or Lack of Sun– All the staying up late, getting up late and staying inside to play video games and you’ve got one pale kido. Cure this by sending them outside to play or read a book as much as you can. Heck, they can take their DS outside if it comes to that. If their skin starts to smoke or smolder, just buy then some SPF 1000’s and some sunglasses.

5. Sharp increase in Hunger or Crazy Metabolism – With all those new hormones playing games with their system and the massive growth spurts, you might be worried that your child seems to each twice as much now. If you aren’t sure, just load all their food with garlic. When they ask why the PB and J has garlic, just tell them it’s good for them. Unless they a following the family mutt around with fork, knife and lobster bib, you should be okay.

So we have made it through the list and apparently our kids aren’t vampires. They are only “Tweens.” Wait, what I am saying? Maybe they are zombies… but I’ll save that for a later post.


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